Having My Cake and Eating it Too

The weeks following a break-up can be a weird time. You feel a range of emotions pulling you in a variety of directions. There’s part of you that feels heart broken but that’s the part you never want to think about, and so I won’t. There’s part of you that feels a new, almost foreign feeling of freedom. Like you’ve just been released from prison(1) and you have no where to go and nothing to do. You could do anything you wanted but ultimately you just want to do the same stuff that got you in prison to begin with. And there’s also a feeling of loss. This feeling of loss is different from the feeling of heart break, which we will not talk about. The feeling of loss comes when you are reminded of her. But more specifically when you are reminded of the way the two of you used to be together. When something happens and you are reminded of the cutesy little vocabulary the two of you shared that no one else knew about. And you are left to wonder if you’ll ever find another person you can be that cute with. What new words or phrases will there be with this new girl and will they be as cute as ours? And how long will it take you to become that way with someone else? It happened so fast with her, will it happen that quickly again? Is it even possible to be like that with someone else? Would they even get it? Maybe it’s not possible? Maybe she was the one? Maybe I should call her?

You’re also left with a million questions as well.


But then you think about your new freedom and you get distracted from the questions. You feel a little like a kid in a candy shop, everything looks delicious and you want to sample it all, but you only have 30 cents(2) and you have to figure out what’s going to be the best value for your money. Do you want something that’s more filling and will stick with you longer, or do you go for something that’s amazing but will only last about a bite and a half. To stretch this food analogy even farther, imagine if you were only allowed to eat carrot cake(3). For a year and a half you’ve had nothing but carrot cake. That’s not so bad because you love carrot cake, it’s probably you favorite cake, so you can live with carrot cake. But then suddenly you are told you can have any cake you want. Suddenly every cake seems delicious. And not just cake, but any pastry is up for grabs. Even though you love carrot cake it certainly not as sexy as a chocolate torte or tiramisu. But you’re so excited about you freedom you’ll even snack on some stale Wal-Mart purchased baklava just because you can. But that’s when you realize that too much freedom is a bad thing and you should probably go ahead and choose a cake that suits you a little better. The tiramisu is delicious, but it’s also expensive and you know you would get tired of it after a while. There’s pound cake that’s cheap and readily available but who want to show off pound cake to their friends. “Hey guy, look what I brought, pound cake!” No, you can never get excited about pound cake. And then you start to realize that the carrot cake was really pretty good. You were content with carrot cake, carrot cake makes you happy. Carrot cake may not be perfect but it was pretty good. So you think, “Maybe I should just stick with the carrot cake”. But then out of nowhere, some angel food cake comes along, and you’re confused all over again.


1. I don't mean this as insulting as it sounds.
2. Literally in this case.
3. I'm actually referring to my mom's carrot cake here, which we all know is pretty bad ass.